Tuesday, Budge and I made our weekly sojourn to Target for Jack’s favorite Jumbones and to pick up some cases of Dasani that were on sale. While we were shopping, I was forced to answer a call of nature requiring time and concentration. Because of my aforementioned irritation with public restrooms in general, I wasn’t very happy with the situation . . . until I heard the door open and somebody walk in. Actually, it was TWO somebodies and by the time they left, I had nearly bitten the blood from my right pointer finger to keep from laughing. You can’t make stuff this good up!

The conversation went like this:

Little boy voice: “Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?Daddy?”

Daddy’s voice: “Yes, son, yes. What is it?”

LB: “Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Is this the girls’ bathroom or the boys’ bathroom? Huh?”

Dad: “This is the boy’s bathroom, son.”

LB: “But I don’t ever go to the boys’ bathroom I always go to the girls’ bathroom, why are we in the boys’ bathroom?”

Dad: “Because you are usually with Mommy when you are out of the house and mommies with their little boys use the girls’ bathroom, but today you’re with Daddy and we use the boys’ bathroom. Someday soon, you’ll use the boys’ bathroom even when you are with Mommy ’cause you’ll be a big boy and can go on your own.”

LB: “Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Are you finished yet? Huh?”

Dad ( just the TINIEST bit tense): “No, son, I haven’t even gotten started yet. Now close the door.” At this point, “Daddy” gets seated and situated.

LB: “Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?”

Dad: “Yes, son?”

LB: “I wuv you a lot.”

Dad: “I love you a lot, too, son.”

LB: “Can I lock the door?”

Dad: “Yes, son, you may lock the door.”

LB: “Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?”

Dad: “Yes, son?”

LB: “I wuv you a lot.”

Dad: “I love you a lot, too, son.” The next sounds I hear are CLICK . . . CLICK. . . clickclickclickclickclick and then

Dad: “Son! Stop, now. That’s enough.”

LB: “Hee, hee, that’s a funny sound, Daddy. I like funny sounds.” One final CLICK then “Daddy, are you finished yet?”

Dad with a heavy sigh: “No, son, not yet, but it won’t be much longer.” Then I hear Daddy start rolling off some Charmin which leads to

LB: “Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Do you need more, Daddy, can I get you more Daddy? Do you need me to help you? Mommy always helps me with the TeePee, an’ an’ an’ when you finish can I push the button (for flushing), can I, Daddy?”

Dad: “No, son, I can manage my business, thank you, and yes, you may push the button.”

LB: “Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?”

Dad: “Yes, son?”

LB: “I wuv you a lot.”

Dad: “I love you a lot, too, son.” At this point I hear the rattling sounds of change and keys as “Daddy” gets adjusted. Then I hear . . .

LB: “Wooowww! Daddy! That’s A LOT! Wait’ll I tell Dusty! Can I push the button now, Daddy? Now?” but before Daddy can answer, tragedy strikes — this toilet is an automatic flusher and I hear a little wail as the water whooshes away.

Dad: “Hang on, son, hang on. It’ll fill back up and you can push the button then . . . see. Go ahead and push the button.”

Water whooshes again and the stall door clicks open . . .

LB: “Daddy! Daddy! You didn’t wash you hands! Mommy says always wash you hands!!

Dad: “Son I know what Mommy says and Daddy doesn’t always DO what Mommy says, now come on.”

LB: “But I always have to do what Mommy says, right?”

Dad: “Yes, you must always obey your Mommy. Now come on.”

LB: “Cause it makes Jesus happy when little boys obey their Mommys?”

Dad: “That’s right, son. That makes Jesus happy. Let’s go, come on, son.”

LB: “Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?”

Dad: “Yes, son?”

LB: “I wuv Jesus a lot.” Steps start out and then

Dad: “I’m glad, son. I’m glad you love Jesus a lot. He loves you a lot, too.”

LB: “Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?”

Dad: “Yes, son?”

LB: “I wuv you a lot to though, Daddy.”

Dad: “I love you . . .  Then the outside restroom door closes.

Nothing quite like daddies, is there?

Love y’all. Keep your feet clean and your bodies cool!