I enjoy a good joke well told more than just about anything except holding hands with Budge or ice cream. I collect really good jokes and funny stories and instead of just letting them clog up my hard drive, I figured I’d post them here for others to enjoy as well. NONE of these are my original creations. If I know of a source, I’ll post it. Just know someone else thought these up. Not me.
What did they do?
John received a beautiful talking African grey parrot as a gift. Unfortunately, the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music — anything he could think of to set a good example but nothing worked. Eventually, John got fed up and yelled at the parrot. The bird yelled back. John shook the parrot, but the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John shoved the bird into his freezer.
For a minute or so, John heard the bird squawk and scream… then suddenly all went quiet. Not a peep issued from the freezer. Fearing that he’d hurt the bird in his frustration, John opened the lid to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arm and said, “I feel I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior.” John was astonished at the bird’s change of attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot about the dramatic change, the bird continued, “May I ask what the chicken and turkey did?”
History Lesson
Teacher : ” George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him ?”
One Student: ” Because George still had the axe in his hand.”
Get Up, Roy!
Bubba and Roy had been driving together for 30 years before they got laid off. They searched for dual driving jobs but the insurance regulations had changed in three decades and now team drivers were a rarity. Still, they kept looking, and finally Bubba found a possible job at an independent owner company needing experienced drivers. The owner agreed to take them both as a team provided one of them took and passed the new driver examination. Bubba being the high school graduate agreed that he would take the test. The company secretary administered the test and Bubba whizzed through the test until he got to the last question which made him pause.
The question was “You are driving a semi loaded with a maximum load of high explosives down a mountain at 60 miles per hour and the grade is -38% extending for 5 miles such that your truck doubles its speed every 150ft. Needing to slow down, you attempt to use the brakes and they fail; you then try to downshift and that also fails. You do not see any runaway truck ramps available. As you realize you cannot stop the truck, you observe that you are heading toward a narrow bridge where two other semi-trucks loaded with high explosives are on fire and overturned, blocking the bridge. The bridge spans a ravine with a 1,ooo foot drop off into river rapids. If confronted with this situation, what would you do”
Bubba thought about it for a second or two then wrote his answer and handed the test back to the secretary. He walked out and smiled; after all he had driven a truck for thirty years and there was not a test he could not pass about truck driving. Bubba looked at Roy and said “Partners Again!” About that time the secretary came out with a puzzled look and called Bubba aside and stated, “You did real good on your test Bubba, you answered everyone of them correctly except I do not understand your last answer. You wrote “I would wake up Roy”
Bubba bowed his head and said, “Ma’am, I wrote that I would wake up Roy because him and me have been driving for thirty years and we seen a lot of things together but he ain’t never seen a wreck like we fixin’ to have!”
Should’ve Listened!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
“Jesus and Mary are watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. As he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
“Jesus and Mary are watching you.”
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “Just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me? Who are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed, “Who names a bird Moses?”
Just then, two low growls rumbled from the doorway to the next room as the parrot replied,
“The same ones who named their Rotweillers Jesus and Mary.”
The Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driver’s permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son. “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud. You brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m real disappointed you didn’t get your hair cut.”
The young man paused a moment then said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.
To this his father replied, “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”
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The Flood
An elderly man was sitting on his front porch in a rocking chair watching the waters from the local river slowly make their way up the steps towards his house. He didn’t seem concerned in the least. As a matter of fact, when a boat carrying rescue workers pulled up on what used to be his front lawn and asked him to evacuate with them he replied, “Y’all go on, God’s gonna take care of me.” Reluctantly, the would-be rescuers left him rocking.
Early the next day, another larger boat came by to check on the old man who by this time had moved his rocking chair to a second story balcony and the water was lapping at his feet. Once again the rescuers in the boat urged the man to flee the rapidly rising waters with them and go to safety. Still unruffled, he once again replied, “Y’all go on, God’s gonna take care of me.” As before, they left him rocking peacefully.
Late that afternoon found the old fellow seated precariously on his chimney with the water about a foot below him. He heard a noise and turned carefully to see a big army helicopter approach. The big machine went into a hover, the side door opened and a guy with a bullhorn called down, “Sir, please come with us. The water will be over your head in a matter of minutes!” Undeterred the old man stated as before struggling to make himself heard over the noise of the helicopter, “Y’all go on, God’s gonna take care of me.” With a sad shake of the head the man and the helicopter left.
Thirty minutes later the water swept the old man off the chimney to a watery death.
Right after dying, the old man found himself standing before God’s shining throne. A voice like thunder rolled down from the throne, “Welcome to Heaven my son, but you are many years early because of the flood.” The old man nodded and said, “Yes, Sir, and about that, why did you let me drown? I kept telling everyone You were going to take care of me. I really thought I’d be saved from the flood!”
The throne room shook as God’s voice thundered out once more, “You benighted old goat, I sent you two boats and a helicopter!”
"Granny Beads and Grocery Store Feet" 