I am a storyteller, raconteur, and general idle talker. As such, I like descriptive phrases. Over the years, I’ve developed quite a collection of maxims, saws, idioms, and generally colorful ways to describe stuff that needs describing at the time. Some, I have a reasonable belief, are original to me. Most aren’t. Here are some of the ones dearest to me.

  • “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”
  • “That requires just a bit more damn than I am able to give today.”
  • “(Blank person or thing) is about as useful as
    • a screen door on a submarine.”
    • a milk bucket under a bull.”
    • teats on a boar hog.”
    • teats on bacon.”
  • “You’ll have that on them big jobs.”
  • “It’s enough to make you want to get drunk, get naked, and throw ice water.”
  • In response to an unwanted “Where are you going?”
    • “Up a hog’s ass to check on the price of pork.”
    • “Hell if I don’t change my ways.” (Almost got me suspended in 11th grade.)
    • “Out of my mind; want to come?”
    • “I didn’t tell you? Then I guess it’s none of your business.” (NB: NEVER use that one with Mama or Budge again.)
  • In response to an unwanted “What are you doing?”
    • “Eatin’ chicken.”
    • “Contemplating my navel.”
    • “Sorting belly-button lint.”
    • “Combing my belly-button hair.”
  • In response to “If we could/would/should etc”
    • “Yep, and if a frog had wings he wouldn’t bump his ass every time he took a step.”
    • “Yep. If ‘if’s’ and ‘buts’ were candies and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas.”
    • “Yep, and if ‘ifs’ were horses then beggers would ride.”

    If I REALLY don’t like someone, and I mean SERIOUSLY don’t like him or her I will say:

    • “I wouldn’t piss in his mouth if his teeth were on fire.”   OR
    • “I wouldn’t piss down his back if he was on fire.”
  • On the other hand, loyalty has always been my strong suit and if I decided we’re friends then:
    • “I’d walk through Hell in kerosene pants for her.”


  • When something is over, done, finished, through, or doomed it means,
    • “It’s time to pour water on the fire and call in the dogs, boys, ’cause this hunt’s over.”

2 responses »

  1. I googled “I wouldn’t piss in his mouth if his teeth were on fire” because I wasn’t sure if I had made it up or if it was attributable to someone else. I have a very short list of people whose mouth’s I wouldn’t piss in. I’ll not mention them here even though they are dead. (No, I didn’t kill them.) IMHO your humor and world view are right on the money. I,too, have chronic, but treated, depression. I greatly identify with your writings. Your writings and opinions almost mirror mine. It was a pleasure reading this blog and I will be a regular follower. Thank you for helping me realize I am not the only person who entertains the same peculiar thoughts and opinions. I’d love to sit down and talk to you some time. Pete

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