I am a storyteller, raconteur, and general idle talker. As such, I like descriptive phrases. Over the years, I’ve developed quite a collection of maxims, saws, idioms, and generally colorful ways to describe stuff that needs describing at the time. Some, I have a reasonable belief, are original to me. Most aren’t. Here are some of the ones dearest to me.

  • “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”
  • “That requires just a bit more damn than I am able to give today.”
  • “(Blank person or thing) is about as useful as
    • a screen door on a submarine.”
    • a milk bucket under a bull.”
    • teats on a boar hog.”
    • teats on bacon.”
  • “You’ll have that on them big jobs.”
  • “It’s enough to make you want to get drunk, get naked, and throw ice water.”
  • In response to an unwanted “Where are you going?”
    • “Up a hog’s ass to check on the price of pork.”
    • “Hell if I don’t change my ways.” (Almost got me suspended in 11th grade.)
    • “Out of my mind; want to come?”
    • “I didn’t tell you? Then I guess it’s none of your business.” (NB: NEVER use that one with Mama or Budge again.)
  • In response to an unwanted “What are you doing?”
    • “Eatin’ chicken.”
    • “Contemplating my navel.”
    • “Sorting belly-button lint.”
    • “Combing my belly-button hair.”
  • In response to “If we could/would/should etc”
    • “Yep, and if a frog had wings he wouldn’t bump his ass every time he took a step.”
    • “Yep. If ‘if’s’ and ‘buts’ were candies and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas.”
    • “Yep, and if ‘ifs’ were horses then beggers would ride.”

    If I REALLY don’t like someone, and I mean SERIOUSLY don’t like him or her I will say:

    • “I wouldn’t piss in his mouth if his teeth were on fire.”   OR
    • “I wouldn’t piss down his back if he was on fire.”
  • On the other hand, loyalty has always been my strong suit and if I decided we’re friends then:
    • “I’d walk through Hell in kerosene pants for her.”


  • When something is over, done, finished, through, or doomed it means,
    • “It’s time to pour water on the fire and call in the dogs, boys, ’cause this hunt’s over.”

4 responses »

    • Jake, it’s a generic answer of commiseration. For example, if you were to say to me, “man, my truck broke down and left me sitting on the highway, ” I’d nod my head sadly and sigh, “yep, but you’ll have that on them big jobs.” It’s something to say when there’s nothing to be said, but you feel the need to say something.

  1. I googled “I wouldn’t piss in his mouth if his teeth were on fire” because I wasn’t sure if I had made it up or if it was attributable to someone else. I have a very short list of people whose mouth’s I wouldn’t piss in. I’ll not mention them here even though they are dead. (No, I didn’t kill them.) IMHO your humor and world view are right on the money. I,too, have chronic, but treated, depression. I greatly identify with your writings. Your writings and opinions almost mirror mine. It was a pleasure reading this blog and I will be a regular follower. Thank you for helping me realize I am not the only person who entertains the same peculiar thoughts and opinions. I’d love to sit down and talk to you some time. Pete

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