I believe in God and Jesus. I was raised a Southern Christian. Fire Baptized Pentecostal in fact, and that’s about as Southern and as Christian as you can get. Folks who threw eggs and rotten tomatoes at our church said we were just one step removed from snake-handlers. Shame they didn’t come on Saturday nights; they might have changed their minds about that last one.

Anyway, if you’re still reading and haven’t turned me off, understand that I hold no animosity towards anyone’s religion. More people have been killed in the name of whatever someone calls “god” or “God” than every other reason combined. I just had to let you know where I stand theologically or this particular post wouldn’t make sense. If you are an atheist, read on and chuckle if you must. I won’t take offense. I’m just betting you’re wrong and you’re betting I’m wrong. No big deal. Certainly not worth shooting people over. Jesus wouldn’t like that.

So, one of the biggest debates in Christendom for the last two millenia is the idea of Free Will versus Presdestination. Now I could go all theology school on you, but I won’t. Here’s the skinny: some Christians believe man has free will to do pretty much as he pleases while others believe God has everything mapped out. After what I’ve seen this week, I feel completely certain man has free will. Here’s why.

God takes care of the animals. It says so in the Bible in several places. I could cite book, chapter, and verse, but we’d be here all night so I’m asking you to just go with me on this one. God looks after the animals. Now, God programmed the animals with what we call “animal instincts.” It’s what makes meat eaters hunt veggie eaters and veggie eaters hunt salad bars and so on down the line. Now, that’s point one. God takes care of the animals and He’s programmed them to best act and do in order to further their own good health.

Here’s point two. I live in South Carolina. We have three seasons. here They are hot and a little humid, hot and ungodly humid, and January. This week has been the first good week of the “hot and ungodly humid” season. You could drink the air. Flying fish jump out of the water and just keep flying because they can breathe the so called “air” through their gills. If you have naturally curly hair, well, find a good therapist because a hairstylist isn’t going to do you a lick of good.

Now to put point one and point two together. If you drive by a cow pasture (field of grass ringed with “bob” wire and containing bovines for those from the city) on days like we’ve had lately, all the cows will be in the pasture pond if one is available. If no pond is to be had, they will be in the woods at the edges of the field in the shade. If the pasture is completely open, they will, at least, be sedately sitting or lying in the lush grass. That is because God did not give cows Free Will. He gave cows good sense. When it is 90 degrees, with over 80% humidity and not a breath of air stirring, cows understand that their place is resting somewhere as cool as possible. Remember? No free will because God takes care of the cows (and horses, chickens, etc.).

Now let us turn to humans and their obvious possession of Free Will. Humans have developed something called (cue the angelic choir) “air conditioning”. This modern day manna factory takes “hot and ungodly humid” air and cools and dries it so that we who were made in His image can make it through a day at the office or a night in the bed without profaning His Name because it is “TOO *&*&%&% HOT TO SLEEP.” God gave man the knowledge to create such wonders as “air conditioning” and I, as a fat man, am very thankful He did.

HOWEVER, humans do have Free Will. I know this because this week, Budge and I passed not one, not two, but about six people JOGGING always at around 12 NOON in NINETY ONE DEGREE HEAT. The heat index was WAY over 100 and there they were in their clinging, sweat soaked tank tops over Spandex jogging shorts that should NEVER have been made in THAT size, just jogging along. They pretty much looked like microwaved death on a stick. That is how I know that humans have Free Will. Cows and horses, because of the instinct that God endowed them with, know to find somewhere cooler and out of the sun to rest in the heat of the day. Dogs instinctively know to root under the porch and lie spreadeagled on the dirt to get cool. Cats? Well, cats just make their pet humans turn down the (cue angelic choir) “air conditioning.”

But not humans. God gave our race the freedom of choice to go out and die of a heatstroke in the name of “getting healthy” any old time we want. He decreed that if we wished to “lay out in the sun” and roast ourselves like a cheap hot dog on the rotisserie at the local Stop and Steal, then so be it. But as for this pasty white Pillsbury Dough Boy fat man, I’ll be forever grateful for the knowledge Our Father gave us of (cue angelic choir) “AIR CONDITIONING.”

Can I get an amen?

Stay cool and wash your feet in COLD WATER if y’all are down here.

Love y’all. 🙂