Let me cut to the chase. The LAST movie I hated anywhere near as much as The Last Jedi featured midichlorians and Jar-Jar Binks. If any means of mind bleach existed I would wipe this excrement masquerading as a movie from my memory immediately. It’s taken me since Thursday night to calm down enough to write calmly about it.
This movie was horrible and a stain on the memory of the first three films. Lucas messed up the prequels himself so he bears the awful burden of those travesties, but I knew when the news broke that he had sold Star Wars to Disney that the crap was literally about to hit the fan . . . or a least the silver screen. I was not disappointed.
I didn’t say anything about The Force Awakens. I figured I’d wait and see. Maybe things weren’t as bad as my pessimistic mind figured them to be. I was wrong; it was worse. Far, far worse.
The Last Jedi is a two hour train wreck of plot holes big enough to drive a Star Destroyer through interlaced with incident after incident of deus ex machina.
In no particular order, here are some of the more egregious faults of the film. If, for some reason you still want to watch it, from here on out are spoilers.
- Leia gets blasted off a ship into space (you know, vacuum, cold, etc?) instead of dying and relieving the next movie of a need to write the late Carrie Fisher out of the story, she wakes up, stretches out her hand and FLYS back onto the destroyed bridge of the ship looking just like Peter freaking Pan. No joke, I wanted to start singing “You Can Fly!”
- Snope appears and is killed. No backstory, no idea who he is, no clue as to how he formed the First Order or even if he DID form the First Order. Two movies with him as a villain and we get nada.
- Rey, despite only living on a completely desert planet somehow can swim.
- Rey becomes a Jedi faster than anyone in recorded history . . . or at least since Luke Skywalker.
- How does she get off Snope’s ship and on to the Millennium Falcon?
- How did BB-8, despite being a rolling little bowling ball of a droid manage to climb into an AT-ST Walker and “rescue” Finn and Rose just in the nick of time?
- Rey’s only lightsaber is destroyed. How is she going to make a replacement since she has no idea how to put one together OR where to get the proper crystals?
- How does Finn, a lowly former basic Stormtrooper, know where EVERYTHING is located on a ship of a type he has NEVER BEEN ON?
- How do Rose and Finn manage to get thrown in a cell with someone who JUST HAPPENS to know how to hack a ship he’s never seen?
- If a ship hitting another ship at light speed causes as much damage as the last cruiser did, why didn’t they ram the previous two ships into the First Order fleet while they had fuel instead of just abandoning them and letting them be destroyed?
- How does an incorporeal, Force-projecting Luke manage to duel Kylo Ren with a lightsaber that SHOULD be as insubstantial as he is?
- What the crap is a KYLO? I know what a Darth is but KYLO??
- And why does he have such a STUPID CROSSGUARDED LIGHTSABER?
- How does Rey, with NO Jedi training at all manage to resist the Dark Side so easily when Ben Solo, trained by one of the greatest Jedi masters ever turn fairly quickly?
I could go on, but I won’t because I’ll just get pissed off again. I already feel my blood pressure starting to rise. It’s just things like those listed that made the movie a farce. The film ended creating more questions than answers as well. Like how is The Resistance going to reform since the entire remainder can fit comfortably onto the Falcon?
I also want to mention one last thing. I see online that lots of people are saying the “last” movie will leap ahead several years to explain how The Resistance rebuilds. Well, you can forget that. There is NO WAY Episode IX is going to be the last Star Wars movie and I’m not talking about standalones like Rogue One or the upcoming Han Solo film. The Mouse is all about making money and releasing a new Star Wars episode every two years is just like printing billions of dollars.
I predict for the foreseeable future Disney releasing a Star Wars universe movie every year at Christmas. Odd numbered years we’ll get a new “episode” and even numbered years we’ll get a stand alone like Rogue One, Han Solo, or the discussed Boba Fett stand alone. Disney is NOT going to stop milking a multi-billion dollar cash cow franchise like this anytime soon. The actors who play Rey, Finn, Rose, Poe, and most of the other main characters are quite young and can easily do several more films.
I imagine the next episode will be Rey gathering a group of Force sensitives to train as the next generation of Jedi, probably with some help from a Force ghost Luke and maybe even Yoda — since puppets don’t age. They’ll try to sell us stand alones starring Boba Fett, Yoda, Mace Windu, Darth Maul . . . anyone they want.
Disney owns Star Wars now so it’s no longer about the fans. They proved that when they unilaterally declared the entire Star Wars Expanded Universe to be null and void. With just a snap of the fingers they erased three decades of comics, cartoons, novels, tech books, role playing games, video games, web sites, and fan fiction. Does that seem like a company that is “fan friendly”?
No, I hate The Last Jedi. I only thought the prequels were as bad as it could get. Boy was I wrong. So my childhood died just a little more Thursday. I can only imagine how much worse the next installment will be.
So, with a heavy heart I declare that I love y’all, keep those feet clean, and if you decide to go watch this piece of crap movie, all I can say is, may the Force be with you.