Child, what have you done NOW?

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Hannah Montana no more.

For any of you out there who HAVEN’T seen, to the left is a picture of Miley Cyrus’ new ‘do.

Wow. Really, Destiny Hope? Why didn’t you just buy the whole hog and get a mullet? Oh, right — your daddy Billy Ray already did that one! Well, why not just shave . . . nevermind, don’t want to be a Britney clone. Hmm.

Apparently, widdle Miwey Cywus is ALLLLL growed up now! After all, she’s got everything a former tween idol of millions needs to prove to the world that she’s “ready for her closeup, Mr. Demille!” Let’s inventory, shall we? Freakish haircut? Got it. Obligatory smattering of cryptically written tattoos, including at least one near a boob, butt, or vajayjay? Check. “Leaked” photo of said starlet taking part in a bong party? Done. Pseudo-stripper routine in front of hundreds of young fans? Mark that one off the list. Wearing a jacket — and NOTHING else — to a major awards ceremony red carpet shindig? Yep. Oh, but Miley dear, just remember — gravity catches up with everyone in the end so you might want to rethink letting the girls run free like that too often.

Shoot! Y’all mix in the child porno-ish mostly naked pics of her that made the rounds of the ‘net a couple of years ago AND throw in a big ol’ honking diamond ring from someone she’s probably going to drop like a bad habit for the next hot thing (I hear Edward Cullen is suddenly available, Miley)? This girl is ready to par-tay with the adults now! To make matters even MORE sweet-juicy-bam-bamesque, she’s JUST 19! At her present rate, she might break currently 26-year-old Lindy-Lo’s time for “complete jettisoning of all self-respect en route to becoming a shameless headline whore!”

What’s a kid gotta do to score some blow in this town?

Now, having just established such a phenomenal category, I must clarify one thing — when it comes to COMPLETE SELF-IMPLOSION by a former female child star, everyone is really competing for SECOND place. The all-time reigning downward spiraling “Champeen o’ the World” belt, trophy, and t-shirt goes to Drew Barrymore. Lindy-Lo is a bad girl and Miley is fast getting there, but neither one of them can touch Drew-baby! I mean, when you are a renowned club hopper by 11, a stoner by 12, riding the white pony by 13, and in rehab TWICE by 14, you are not going to be seriously challenged on the self-destruction front by anything less than a toddler slurping vodka and Red Bull in her bottle and dropping acid off her binky during rave dances. Drew is the EMPRESS when it comes to bad girls.

But I digress.

I realize Miley has “issues.” First off, can you imagine what kind of teasing she must have endured as the child of “Mr. Achy-Breaky-Heart”? Oh sure, It might not be Mozart, but you can line dance to it and for a brief shining moment Mullet-Man was the hottest act going and while one stupid song assured Billy-Ray a place in country music infamy forever, but it also assured little Destiny Hope wouldn’t ever have to work a day in her life even BEFORE she became Hannah Montana. Of course, that’s just what EVERY little girl needs: unlimited funds and access to “hollywood” types while barely out of diapers! Who DIDN’T see this train wreck coming?

Ah, the early ’90s, how I don’t miss you at all.

So Miley is entering her “rebellious” phase. Wow. Getting engaged, sporting a nose ring and cutting your hair into a bleached reverse fem-mullet is what passes for rebellion these days! Whatever happened to the good old days when kids rebelled by running off to Haight-Ashbury or Soho and “dropping out?” Where is the “screw college I’m going to Europe” attitude of my parents’ generation? Gone, I tell you, all gone! We are the poorer for it. Black leather is no longer a symbol of rebellious adolescence but a dated and tired fashion accessory. James Dean would be appalled.

Anyway, young Miss Cyrus is certainly on the right road to turning heads and garnering more than her fair share of tabloid pages. You heard it here first; she’ll do a Playboy shoot by — or maybe for — her 21st birthday. I certainly wish her the best since we all end up going over Fool’s Hill in our own way and our own time, but if she REALLY wants to break into the big time femme fatale bad girl ranks, I’ve got two words of advice: Sex. Tape.

Love y’all! Keep those feet clean!

 

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