My Completely Amateur Punditesque Thoughts on the SC Primary Results


I realize I’m late to the game in chiming in on Saturday’s GOP primary results here in my home state. I want to start by saying Stephen Colbert should stop being such a tease and run. If you have the cajones and the deniro to offer to pay for the entire primary, you have enough to run for POTUS and who among us does not salivate at the prospect of a Stephen Colbert / Jon Stewart ticket? Really, how much worse could they screw things up?

Honestly though, I REALLY don’t want a POTUS named “Newt”. Even if he decides to act older than the perpetual horn-dog teenager he seems to be and goes by Newton, he’s still going to have the worst Presidential moniker since good ol’ Millard Fillmore (1850–1853). (Just as a historical aside, I realize the aforementioned M. F. doesn’t get a lot of high marks for his performance as President, but being a former librarian and lover of books, he will always be near to my heart for founding the White House Presidential Library.)


I would like to make this observation, however. Recently, a subspecies of Japanese Fire-Belly Newts was discovered that can regrow its eyes up to 18 times in 16 years. That leads me to believe “Newt” might be a pretty good nickname for Mr. Gingrich. After all, the only thing more changeable over 16 years than a Japanese Fire-Belly Newt’s eyes are Newt Gingrich’s spouses, lovers, religious denominations . . . oh yeah, and his political ideals as well.


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