Of Meyers and Monkeys


Budge and Deuce are at a late showing of the newest “must see” cinema attraction, the long awaited epic screen adaptation of . . . Breaking Dawn, part 1. Really, they are. This was one movie Budge didn’t even bother to ask me to take her to see because my beloved and longsuffering wife knows that frost will form on the hinges of Hell ere this little duck pays to see vampires sparkle.

We're working on it, Ms. Meyer.


“Vampires sparkle.” Just typing that phrase threatens to make all my lovely Chickpea Chicken supper suddenly reappear.

At this juncture, I want to state for the record that I am all too intimately aware that Ms. Meyers has sold more novels in a day than I have or very likely ever will have sold in my entire hypothetical lifetime. I know this. I also know that the aforementioned Ms. Meyers now has more money in book sales, licensed merchandise, and movie royalties than the GNP of SEVERAL smaller nations. I realize this, I admit this, and I submit ONE reason in my defense that I am not simply spouting about sour grapes as an unpublished and unpopular writer.

My reason, in the words of a fine Baptist preacher named Charles H. Spurgeon, is “A hog in a silk waistcoat is still a hog.”  Ms. Meyers can get richer than Solomon by selling more books than the Bible and it will not change the fact her magnum opus is as well-written as the assembly instructions for a piece of IKEA furniture.

For starters, Mrs. Bella Cullen (nee‘ Swan) is THE most insipid, weak, and pablum sipping “heroine” since Pollyanna. Why ANYONE, let alone two supernatural beings the likes of Sparkles and Lassie would be willing to grant her a moment’s glance is beyond me. I find it appalling so many young girls and GROWN WOMEN think of Bella as a suitable role model. Her craven, driveling character sets the cause of women’s rights back to the Victorian Era at best.

Secondly, the works rely on every stereotype known to feeble literature. The vampire is “charming?” Well, thank you Mr. Stoker, oh, I meant Ms. Meyers. An American Indian (or other rustic native) is a shapeshifter? Really? That trope hasn’t been used since, oh, I don’t know . . . Underworld? (And incidentally, Kate Beckinsale on her WORST day is blazingly hotter than Kristen Stewart in full wedding array.)

Thirdly, the books have more plot holes than Danish lace. A “family” that never ages lives in the same vicinity off and on for two centuries or so? GROWN VAMPIRES go to high school regularly? Well, Ms. Meyer obviously never went to high school biology class because if she did, she’d know that, by her OWN admission, vampire blood does not circulate in a vampire’s body. Since the blood doesn’t move, neither does Edward’s “little fang”. Hard to figure out where little Reneesme came from, now isn’t it?

Finally, and most importantly, Meyer ignores over 1,000 years of written eldritch history and supernatural lore. If she had one iota of respect for the tons of work that came before her she would know that VAMPIRES. DO. NOT. SPARKLE!!

Vampires die in the Sun. They burst into flames and blow away on the cold wind of irony and unrequited love!


So yes, Stephanie Meyer has raked in the dough and proven the Infinite Monkey Theorem in the process. She has followed in the footsteps of another nouveau riche female writer, J.K. Rowling. They both have truckloads of money and shiploads of fame. Of course, Rowling is twice the writer Meyer is, and I despise Rowling as well — for other, more esoteric reasons.

I think no less a literary figure than Stephen King says it best. On comparing Bella and Harry, the King of Horror himself says, “Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.”

And if he’d thought about it some more, you know what else he would have said?


Love y’all. Keep those feet clean and just say no to sparkly vampires!

This is all that gives me hope.


8 responses »

  1. It’s worth pointing out that the vampires of lore and legend did not necessarily burst into flames in sunlight. Buffy really popularised that one, but it’s not a diehard staple of vampire myth. Dracula himself did not burst into flames if he stepped outside during the day.

    I’m no Twilight fan and I find the concept of glittery vampires a bit ridiculous, but it seems slightly foolish that you’ve criticised Meyer for ignoring so much supernatural lore when plenty of that lore didn’t actually feature vampires being allergic to sunlight.

    Much of what people consider ‘staples’ of the supernatural genre – vampires burning in the sun, werewolves turning on a full moon, people getting turned into zombies via a zombie-bite – is largely down to Hollywood’s take on these things. Often the original legends were quite different 🙂

  2. LOL. You kill me…but only in your ineptitude. I enjoy how you essentially demand that Meyer should respect all the previous works that make sunlight lethal to vampires, and at the same time denounce her for keeping vampires as charming and native peoples as werewolves—two traditional devices. You make similar arguments against Paolini`sücky; thought I’d throw some extra stuff in there to evoke Paolini.

    Despite the fact that you make contradictory points, you are, in my opinion, correct on both authors. Their work is subpar, and in Paolini’s case, nearly devoid of originality. I, personally, feel that the Paolini crap is more of a rip off of Eddings than of Star Wars. Look at the ending of the series. Aragorn, oh sorry, Eragon, rejects joining the evil Torak, who in his distraught state cries, “Be not!” And suddenly, in place of Torak we have Ctuchik and find out that apparently you cannot utterly destroy something. Not sure why really, but maybe in my speed reading through the books I missed something.

    I have to say one last thing: Does anyone else think that Paolini wrote Eldest in a word processor, and when it was finished, did the “find and replace” command to change all forms of “yes” into “aye”?

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  4. Never read or seen any of the above books or movies. Their content and titles were not anywhere appealing. but, I do like your commentary.

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  6. One of your finer works. You brighten my day, feet. Sparkles and Lassie. I used that here in the house and almost got put out with the rest of the trash. God bless that was funny son.

    • I love this and I love you! You are a hoot! VAMPIRES.DO.NOT.SPARKLE! But, you are wrong about Bella. Jane Eyre is way more insipid. I’d like to smack that sniveling crybaby! Anyway, I am going to share this post because then perhaps my friends will understand why I won’t let my 9-year-old daughter see a movie where a teenage girl is in a room, in her panties, with a BOY…however old he is…Then, of course, the whole baby thing just creeps me out!

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