Okay, my best buddy and I work at the same school. We have a forty minute commute, one way. Eighty minutes is a long time to spend in the car with one person on a daily basis, so we have pretty much solved every crisis including the economy, global warming, and nuclear proliferation. However, we have discovered a new menace on the horizon that we have no idea how to solve. It’s called “The Watchmen.”

I don’t know if you’ve read Alan Moore’s seminal graphic novel, but it’s a pretty mindblowing read. Thinking back to the Eighties when it was first published, I can only think the guy had guts to write it and DC pushed the envelope to publish it. It was pretty groundbreaking stuff. I have to admit though, I hadn’t thought of Watchmen in years. I always have preferred Moore’s sophomore effort, “V for Vendetta” about the guy in the Guy Fawkes mask who blows up things to protest authority he doesn’t respect. Hmmm, wonder why?

Anyway, hadn’t thought of Watchmen, but the movie came out. My little buddy / right hand man Chris went to see it and told me his opinion. My wife’s friend from work went to see it and she shared Chris’ opinion. Well, my boy Beau Geste went to see it this past Saturday so I was looking forward to his opinion on the drive down on Monday. Unfortunately, I didn’t get his opinion on Monday . . . or Tuesday for that matter . . . because my main dude was laid low by a case of the green apple trots. Yep. The old stomach flu bug. You know the kind. Sitting on the throne with a bucket in your lap because, as a sportswriter once said about some game or other, “It could go either way.”

Well, Bo was back yesterday, still a little green around the gills, but ready to tell me about Watchmen. He’d asked me to go, but once I found out the movie was around three hours and fifteen minutes, I knew that this little grey duck wouldn’t be going. The last movie (other than the three Lord of the Rings masterpieces) that I endured was Titanic and I’m sorry to all the 25 to 35 year old women out there who LOVED that movie, it didn’t take the blasted boat THREE HOURS to sink!! All I could think about through the whole movie was “hit the iceberg already!!” Of course the last scene was stupid as well. Leo is in the freezing water clinging to the door that Kate is floating on. Does she scootch over to let him on? Heck no. She sits there and lets him freeze to death all the while talking about how she’ll never let him go. The door was the size of a double garage for crying out loud!!! Half the blasted boat could have fit on it and she couldn’t move her skinny butt over enough to let “her Jack” on?

But I digress. So, I asked Bo about Watchmen and he shared the same opinion as Chris and Erica. He described it as “three hours of soft porn starring a shiny naked blue guy with some obvious special effects in his nether regions.” I knew right then that I wouldn’t be seeing the movie. Three people confirmed it for me. The book didn’t seem so risque’ back when. I even dug out my copy to check my memory. Sure enough, ol’ Dr. Manhattan always seemed to be standing in the back of the panel or, if he was drawn full frontal, his, um, “reactor” was much more tastefully muted than the movie.

Now, I’m not a prude by any means, but one must draw the line somewhere. I had an acquaintance who fancies himself a movie critic and an “artiste” tell me that Dr. Manhattan was a classical representation of  the human form much like Michealangelo’s “David”. I politely told him he was drunk AND an idiot who didn’t know art or movies because “David” was classical sculptural marble and Dr. Manhattan was a naked glowing porn Smurf. He sniffed and said I didn’t know a thing about art. I said that I might not know art but I knew what I liked and I pretty much didn’t like a three hour Enzyte commercial with a seven foot tall glowing blue version of Smiling Bob!!

Well, I love the graphic novel, “The Watchmen”, but I suppose I’ll give the movie a pass. I can’t sit still for three hours anymore and besides, I prefer my main characters to be a little less “in your face” if you know what I mean. So, I’ll be anxiously awaiting the release of Star Trek in May just to see if they butcher it like they did “The Golden Compass.”

Until then, may the Force be with y’all and be sure to wash your feet . . . and every other sparkly blue part too! 🙂