So, another Christmas is in the books. This last post of the year, however, will be about something that happened LAST Christmas. It has to do with Budge and her cooking skills. See, I didn’t marry my lovely wife for her cooking skills. I’ve made that abundantly clear to her over these last many years of our marriage. Still, every now and then, she shows a strong desire to engage in the domestic arts. We have stories of burned out mixer motors and a concoction known as “Breakdown Spaghetti” to remind us of how those endeavors tend to wrap up. Still, hope springs eternal.

Which brings us to last year. We were going to be all alone on Christmas last year. Dad was in the nursing home under COVID protocols so we wouldn’t be seeing him and Sandy. Our friends we hand out with on some holidays were spending their alternating Christmas in Mississippi with family, and we didn’t really have anyone else. It looked like a cold cereal breakfast and a Waffle House supper.

Then, Budge made a pronouncement. She said she was going to get us a turkey. Now when I heard that, I threw up in my mouth a little bit. I have a tremendous amount of faith in my wife, but cooking a full size turkey is grandmother cooking skill levels and not even all grandmas can actually pull off a full bird and have it taste right. Now my Budge was planning on cooking a turkey. I smiled and told her I was looking forward to it.

I then set to mental work trying to figure out how I could keep the house from burning down while still letting my wife experience the home economics dream she had set for herself. The first thing I settled on was size. One of the great challenges of cooking a whole turkey is the sheer size to be dealing with. Turkeys can go twenty pounds. Now I had no idea what we were going to do with twenty pounds of turkey meat, especially when neither of us particularly cares for dark meat. It seemed a bit wasteful to me. So I waited a couple of days and broached the subject of the turkey again. I mentioned to Budge that since it was just the two of us, maybe a turkey breast with all white meat would suffice for our needs. She gave me a funny look, but then seemed to mull it over and tell me that was a good idea. We’d have a turkey breast.

I did a little internal dance at the prospect of not having to find something to do with twenty pounds of what was probably going to be a horrible attempt at turkey cooking. We wouldn’t be confronted with something like out of Christmas Vacation, and at the same time we didn’t risk pounds of raw turkey if Budge did the cooking calculations wrong. This was good. So I figured, why stop? I could take the entire turkey cooking process off site maybe. I again mentioned to Budge that our local Honeybaked Ham Store offered fully cooked turkey breasts for sale and she wouldn’t have to worry about thawing anything out or getting the temperature right or anything like that. She gave me another funny stare, and then nodded. I thought I might have overplayed my hand and upset her so I just changed the subject to something banal.

Still, I had hit on something in my mind and I just couldn’t let it go. I had glimpsed a way to totally keep a turkey debacle from occurring in our home. Again, I had all the confidence in the world Budge would prove a worthy adversary to the turkey, but I also knew this was the same Budge who incinerated a pan of fried okra which I then dutifully ate early in our marriage. With that in mind, I threw caution to the wind and broached my master plan which I had been intending to spring all along. I mentioned to her that I was certain she would do a tremendous job of cooking a turkey, but we didn’t need much so why didn’t we just get a good-sized package of pre-sliced turkey breast from Honeybaked Ham, and pair it with some fancy Pepperidge Farms bread of some kind and have us some nice turkey sandwiches for Christmas lunch and we could still do Waffle House for supper.

Budge got quiet. Now over our marriage, quiet has been a dangerous state for Budge to be in, but this time she seemed more contemplative than angry. I have to admit I was a bit put off my game not knowing what this would mean. Then, a big smile broke across her face and she turned full on to me and said, “Oh, honey love of mine, did you think I meant I was going to go to the store and pick out a turkey and cook it like Granny Wham or Ima would have?”

That is exactly what I thought was going to happen so I rather stupidly said, “Uh huh, and I am a little afraid you might burn the kitchen down with the best of intentions, but I have faith in you and if you want to try, I’ll support you any way I can.”

Then my Budge laughed, and not many sounds are as sweet or reassuring as my Budge laughing. She shook her head and said, “Silly! I had no intention of trying to cook a whole turkey or even a turkey breast. That’s why I looked at you funny when you mentioned it. I thought you were being a smartass since we both know my prowess in the culinary arts!”

I was taken aback so I said, “Well, what were you planning to do?”

She laughed again and said, “I always intended to get a sliced turkey breast from Honeybaked Ham and have us pick up some good bread and a gallon of tea for Christmas lunch. No way in the world would I try cooking a whole turkey, but I’m so glad you had such high expectations of my gumption and such faith in my ability!”

We picked up our sliced turkey on Christmas Eve and those were some of the best Christmas sandwiches for lunch I’ve ever had. We even had the required leftovers to eat the next day!

I hope y’all have a Happy New Year! Love y’all and keep those feet clean.