It’s been some time since I wrote a post talking about mental health, and I was having trouble deciding what to post this month, so I thought I would write about two aspects of my mental health that give me fits. They are magical thinking and intrusive thoughts.

First of all, magical thinking is the idea that something you think or say can have a real effect in the material world. Now I realize words do have power and your thoughts affect a great many things about you, but these are different. Let me give you one “for instance.” Ed is one of our cats. He likes to get in my arms, and he usually picks a time when I need my hands to do something – write a post, maybe. I may get frustrated with him when he does this. Here’s where the magical thinking comes in. I will get frustrated with Ed and think about how aggravating he is being. Almost immediately, I am consumed by thoughts that he will now die because I thought what I did.

I know our spoken or thought ideas aren’t going to have real world consequences most of the time. I’m not talking about if you tell a policeman he’s an idiot, and then you get a ticket. That’s getting what you asked for. Here’s another. I read the Bible to Budge every evening almost without fail. I would like to say it is because of some great faith-related principle or something, but the simple truth is I have a tremendous fear that if I don’t read of a night, something horrible will happen as a direct result. One of the cats might die, or Budge might die or who knows what could happen.

One last one, I would like to live in a house before I die. It’s a dream I’ve had since I was a child. Right now, and for all of our marriage, Budge and I have lived in mobile homes. For the last twenty-seven years, we’ve lived in the same mobile home. I am very careful what I think regarding where we live and where I’d like to live because I am afraid if I think negative thoughts about our mobile home, again, something terrible will shortly happen. My two worst current fears are the whole place going up in a fire, or a tree crashing through the middle of our home. As a matter of fact, just writing those thoughts down fills me with a sense of dread.

So, that’s magical thinking. The other thing I struggle with is called intrusive thoughts. Now, I learned what these were called after I spent several years thinking I was a complete psychopath or a repressed serial killer or something. Basically, an intrusive thought is a thought about something that just pops into your mind out of the blue, and it is about something you would never, ever think of doing.

I held babies in the church nursery for over ten years up until this past March. I stopped in March with the official reason being I was taking a break after so many consecutive years of service. The real reason is I got weary of holding one of these beautiful tiny babies who I loved with all my heart and having the thought hit my mind, “You should hurl him or her against the wall as hard as you can!”

Thoughts like that will cause you to question your sanity, especially when you’re like me and you already suffer from mental health issues anyway. Another time I’ll just be petting one of the cats on my lap and have the sudden thought to choke the life out of it with my bare hands. These thoughts can come on so strongly and so suddenly I have actually shuddered like a chill went through me.

I thought I was the only person suffering from these thoughts until I finally, tearfully mentioned them to Budge. I was coming unglued thinking I was finally losing my hold on reality. She calmed me down and assured me that I was not alone. She had occasional thoughts like those that she couldn’t explain and they unnerved her as well. The next time I saw my psychiatrist, I mentioned it to him and he told me what I was experiencing was called intrusive thoughts and they are quite common in people with other mental health concerns.

Finally, I also found out that both magical thinking and intrusive thoughts are extremely closely linked to OCD. Dr. Stephens, my beloved psychiatrist, offered to give me a battery of tests to see if I was dealing with OCD because of these and some other symptoms I had, but I declined mainly because I already carry a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, clinical depression, and borderline personality disorder. I just couldn’t bear the thought of adding yet another affliction to such a list.

Of course that doesn’t change the fact I still may have OCD and just be in denial about it. So that’s my little primer on magical thinking and intrusive thoughts. If you suffer from either of these symptoms, just know you aren’t alone. I’m right here with you and we all have to stick together.

Love y’all, and keep those feet clean!